Discussing Feminism with Women of a Different Generation

A few weeks ago, an old friend I haven't seen in nearly 13 years and her mum came to visit. I had a blast catching up with said friend, and aunty has always been a favourite. We - my sister, mum and I, and aunty and her two daughters, have spent several weeks together at sleepovers, lunches, dinners, trips to random cafes and beaches back in the mid-2000s when both fathers were outstation, touring for work. They're basically an extension of our family, and we love them like that.

Last night, after my friend left after her short holiday (she's a medical professional, so no WFH for her) aunty, mum and I sat till late in the night, discussing feminism and women empowerment. A perspective that I had learnt to recognise as being common among my mother's generation emerged… so many women of that generation have sacrificed so much for their families, that they have completely forgotten their own likes and dislikes. Right from cooking their children's/husband's favourite dishes to choosing which flavour of ice cream to eat, so many women I know have completely lost themselves and their individual identities in the daily drudgery of their home life, the common thread of which is one word… "Compromise".

Frankly, it was frustrating to hear both ladies talk about how they have completely forgotten who they used to be before getting married and having children. It's like overnight, their identities changed from individual, woman, human, to wife, daughter-in-law, mother.

This came as a surprise to me, especially from Aunty, because I associated that particular feeling with women who have generally not been financially independent in their lives. But Aunty gave me a new perspective. Even though she has earned her own money her whole life, and continues to do so now, given the life she has led, she has always prioritised the needs of her family and kids, more than her own wants. That seems like the most obvious thing to do, yes. Obviously, a mother would obviously put her children before herself, no?

1. That’s not so obvious. I have learnt that there exists something called the narcissistic mother syndrome, and apparently, its more common than we think. This is, as I understand it, a syndrome where the mother sees her daughter as the person who is responsible for all the reasons her life is not going the way she wants it to OR where she sees her child as being responsible to bring her happiness, or basically is only interested in how her child's actions, both achievements and failures affect her. (This is my understanding of it, so if anyone ever reads this, please do your own research and do not rely on my explanation for it.) In these kind of sensitive situations, I have learnt that a mother does not put her child's needs first. In fact everything she pushes her child to do is in a strange way a reflection of what she wants to do, or what will give her the most favourable outcome, and paint her in the best possible light.

Now before we start psychoanalysing our mothers, we have to remember that often times, we as children don't see what is the best for us, and our parents have to impose certain rules so we don’t grow up in complete anarchy. That, for obvious reasons, does not count here. Its best to do in depth research and speak to experts before we go painting our parents with labels this serious.

2. Why? Why is the stereotypical image of a mother one of ultimate sacrifice? Why are women actively discouraged from pursuing their own dreams and pushed to give up everything else for the sake of their families?

None of this is new or hitherto undiscussed, but I want to talk about it here anyway. Women are constantly told to "compromise", that women are more understanding than men, and have to be more adjusting to keep the peace in the family. I have been advised to do so on innumerable occasions by my mother, so my father and I don't get into yet another fight.

I have ALWAYS been unhappy with that advice, but more so when I knew I was in the right and she acknowledged it too, but the fight would have been caused by my father's opinion and view of things, because he, much like most men of that generation, refuses to change his perception of things easily.

But is it really his fault? How can he be to blame when he has never had to put himself in my position in the first place, because he was never asked to. His parents never told him that he had to compromise. He was not brought up to share in the household chores or volunteer to help his mother and sister (and consequently wife and daughters) in the kitchen or around the house. He may have been asked to help out once in a while, but he never saw it as his duty to do so, and somehow, his parents did not make it his duty. The problem here is that in his 3 decades of being a functional adult and nearly 3 decades of being married, he has not himself learnt this. I see a similar situation in most men of that generation. And women of that generation have come to accept *because of conditioning* that all of this is their duty, that compromise is their duty, that for a happy family, she is the one who has to make the major sacrifices. And this further enables the man to do as he pleases, without having to worry much about whether there is an imbalance of compromise at home.

I am not okay with that. And both my parents have a hard time digesting this fact. My father does not seem to be able to accept the fact that I have my own opinions, boundaries, way of doing things, values and principles, that, for obvious reasons, greatly differ from his own. At one point, he could not fathom that I would give my career equal, if not more importance than a "suitable marriage alliance".  I do not know if he still thinks this way, he has not expressed his opinion to me on this, especially after a particularly frustrating verbal altercation one time. But that is a story for different day.