2021 has been an interesting year. I cannot say that it has been the best year I have had yet, nor the worst. But I can say with some conviction that it has been one of the most enlightening, in several ways. I have grown so much in the last year, but more importantly, I have become conscious of my growth, which in itself is a new feeling. 2021 reminds me in many ways of 2012. Both are No. 5 years (the digits in the year add up to 5) and 2012 was a year of a lot of changes for me. 2021 was similar, but while 2012 had a lot of tangible changes with fresh experiences, the changes in 2021 have been a lot more subtle, spiritual.
Spirituality has become an irrevocable part of my life this year, and how. I started my conscious spiritual journey last year, during what was the most challenging time of my life yet. It was a time when I felt broken; I had hit an all time low in my life and I didn’t know how I was going to emerge from the depression that had come over me. But I knew that I would. I was absolutely certain that I would come out of it, and I was determined to do it in a way that did not leave me with residual unresolved issues. In short, I wanted to heal completely, and I was going to allow myself as long as I needed to do it. I was in no hurry to be a functional person again because the quicker I wished I become "OK" the more I knew I was actually suppressing my true instinct to curl up into a ball in a corner and weep.
So instead of suppressing myself or my feelings, I just let them out. I am a crier. Crying for me is as easy as breathing. I can cry at the drop of a hat. Happy movie, sad movie, cat video, doggo video, cheesy proposal, tsundere gesture… I can weep on cue. So healing for me naturally meant that the waterworks had been let loose… and how. It was like a dam had burst. I cried as much as my heart, my head and my throat allowed, and then some more - in the shower, in bed at night, at the dinner table in front of my parents (shocking, I know, but hey, they knew what I was going through and were there with me right through the whole thing).
It was at this time that a friend of mine suggested I do a pick-a-card tarot reading on YouTube, just for fun. I have always been up for trying new things and having always been interested in things like astrology, numerology etc. (it comes with the package, having been born into the kind of family I have), I gave it a shot… and that was that.
I remember we were on a 4 hour drive somewhere and all I did the entire time was listen to pick-a-card readings on YouTube by different readers. Soon enough, I had developed a few favourites; readers whose readings I resonated with the most, and a few others who fascinated me. Cartomancy was suddenly my new obsession. Not only did I do pick-a-card readings, I started studying Tarot, understanding the cards, and soon enough, I was able to do my own reading (somewhat) when I saw the cards laid out on screen.
It was fascinating. Tarot wasn’t something that was written in stone, the cards pulled out were reflective of your current energies. It changed, as your energies changed, and the most fascinating things I found was that every single pick-a-card reading that I had done had described the situation that had just happened to me almost exactly, the reading was eerily descriptive of my life and as my energies changed, as my healing progressed, the readings changed and progressed. The inexplicable thing in all this was how I always ended up with similar cards, no matter what the reading or who the reader, which explained why my readings were all similar. One time, just out of curiosity, I heard a pile that I wasn’t drawn to… it did not resonate at all. Nothing made sense, it was as if I was listening to someone else's private life.
Soon, all those pick-a-card readings led to me doing my own research on sound baths, different frequencies affecting different chakras in the body, sound and colour therapy, chakra healing, and so much more. As I explored these concepts, and my own relationship with the energies around me, I could feel and see myself changing. My outlook towards life changed, my ambitions changed, and most importantly, my relationship with myself underwent an overwhelming shift.
I became kinder to myself, I started viewing myself objectively, my flaws and weaknesses yes, but also my strengths, my value, my skills… I was able to see myself in a new light; it was as though the mirror had been cleaned and I was looking at myself properly for the first time in god knows how long. I reacquainted myself with my talents, my gifts and instead of being humble or playing down my strengths I started giving myself due credit. I talked myself up like I would talk up a friend, complimented myself and smiled at myself in the mirror every morning. I told myself how beautiful I am, and how I am deserving of so much more than I allowed myself to believe up until then.
It was like magic! My sense of worth, self respect and confidence shot up. I had always been insecure about my height and my body. Now I owned it. I knew I was good at singing, but because of one silly incident in college in 2012 I had effectively given it up. I started practicing again, started training my voice. I am still in the process of reclaiming the precision and clarity I once had, but I am so much better than I was a few short months ago.
I wanted to start writing again, and just as I sent that thought out into the universe, I was presented with an opportunity to author a blog post for a very well known blog on an exciting and topical theme.
My next mission is to start dancing again and take hip hop dance classes. I have wanted to dance all my life. I want to perform on stage again. I want to dance, act and be in the lime light because that is where I feel my best. And I am going to make it. I am going to be on stage again sooner than I expect.
And I am so excited for it!
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