I am Convinced I am Suffering From...

I don't know what to talk about just yet, so I am just going to start writing. It has been an age since I actually sat down to write and put my words down on (digital) paper. I have been trying to journal (on physical paper) regularly, rather unsuccessfully, and most times the culprit is my lack of impulse control when it comes to doom scrolling. I swear I have been trying (not my best, admittedly) to try and not look at my phone first thing in the morning, but the temptation is overwhelming.

I know all the cons of looking at the phone as the first thing in the morning. I give myself that lecture everyday, and its usually in my mother's voice. But adult free-will is a very dangerous thing. On the rare occasion that I do end up picking up my journal to do my morning pages, I am often distracted by trains of thoughts that ideally should have made it to the word vomit that the pages are supposed to be dedicated to, but end up simply disappearing into the ether, because my mind works faster than my hands can keep up; or indeed, my mind works faster than my own brain can keep track of - because isn't that what you're supposed to do - keep track of your thoughts? Isn't that what meditation is all about? Focus?  And guess who can't really focus for more than a few minutes at a time? (points to self) This lady. 

Now, of course, the doom-scrolling plays a huge part in completely destroying my concentration power, but I recently noticed something about myself that I had always suspected, but never before been aware of. A few days ago, I decided to *FINALLY* sit down and record an episode for my podcast. I was alone at home, it wasn't noisy, I had been able to figure out this new software I wanted to use.. so I decided this was the day. 

I opened the cupboard where I usually kept my podcasting mic, and was suddenly struck with the thought that I had moved something from that shelf into another shelf that actually had to go to a third shelf. So of course, I had to fix that first, and for some reason that needed a conference with my long distance sibling, so I immediately texted her for her opinion. As I made that very important move, my freebies from my latest KPop concert fell out, so I obviously had to gather them up and put them away again... except when I did that I finally found the ear protection plugs I was looking for, so of course I had to put them away elsewhere, somewhere I could find them more easily. Now while collecting up all the freebies, I found a phone charm that I wanted to replace my existing phone charm with so, of course, I had to go do that immediately. My phone was on my desk and just the state of that desk was shocking, so then I had to start clearing it out first, because there's no way I could work in such a messy area. As I was putting things away I realised that I hadn't yet hung up the clothes in the washing machine to dry, and I just knew my mother would make a fuss, so I went to collect them and do that first. But as I was hanging up the clothes, my sister called, and she obviously is top priority so I had to abandon everything and confer on what she should make for dinner that night. 

If you are with me so far, you may have noticed that the goal for the day.. to actually record an episode had not just been abandoned but completely forgotten. If you didn't notice that at all, well congratulations, you may also be suffering from the condition I suspect I am dealing with - which is, at the very least, a mild case of Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder, or as most of us know it and love to self diagnose ourselves with - ADHD. And the way I went about that evening pretty much confirmed my self-diagnosis based on all the Instagram reels I had watched, and seconded of course by my intense deep dive into Web MD, and the infinite wisdom of ChatGPT. 

Now, mind you, my therapist did tell me I likely do not have ADHD but pffttt what does she know? She sees me once a week in a controlled setting where I focus and pay complete attention to the session. Or used to. Haven't gone to therapy in 2 years. Must start again - its good you know? In fact I was telling my mother the other day... ah well, here I go again.

Anyway, all of this rambling to say that it is excruciating for me to bring myself to sit down and write something when I don't have a deadline hanging over my head. But alas, I neither work in publishing, nor do self imposed threats of punishment work, because like I said, adult free-will - I know I just don't have to do it and there are no real consequences except the slow loss of my creative motivation which of course is impossible to see when the instant gratification monkey is dancing on my head, enticing me with an afternoon nap. 

The fact that I sat still enough, with enough focus to actually finish writing this and hit "Publish" is, in my books, an achievement. I did get distracted along the way mind you - BTS just did Boy in Luv as one of the surprise songs in Mexico, and of course I had to attend to those notifications immediately - ALL the good songs are being taken and at this rate, we are going to be blessed with No. 29 by the time the boys begin the Asia leg of the tour. But still, at least I got (re)start writing my blog again for like the 5th time in 4 years. Here's hoping I actually maintain some sort of regularity.